Felix Dennis

The Politician

This talking head is:‘Quote, unquote:
A testament to dental art’—
Let’s slip a skewer down its throat
And snack upon its shrivelled heart.

The Newsreader

The late night news, all wit and charm,
Here’s every viewer’s trusted friend —
What say we both yank off an arm
And marinade the sticky end?

The Celebrity Homemaker

Here’s Martha Stewart, hip hurrah,
Who’s still the queen of cookery —
Let’s shred her into steak tartar
And scoff it while we watch TV.

Soap Opera Stars

That rotter Dick has jilted Sasch‘
For some young tart— I knew he would,
A slice-and-dice will fi x their hash:
Say mad-cow roast and cheesecake pud?

The Sports Commentator

A rerun of the Superbowl!
Fresh booby pie with steroid sauce —
On second thoughts —a casserole!
And pompoms for the second course!

The Cartoon

Old Mickey Mouse on Medicare,
Long past his prime, I’ll pass on that —
It’s not exactly gourmet fare,
He’s barely fi t to feed the cat.

The Chat Show Diva

At last, it’s Oprah! Fetch the bibs,
The charcoal grill, the mesquite wood —
There nothing spare about those ribs,
She’ll feed the whole damn neighbourhood!